LEARN TO SMILE :-) NO MATTER WHAT.....

I have been told numerous times by my nears & dears that I suck at hiding emotions... If I'm upset about something it shows on my face, in my gestures, in my attitude, even in my voice... very clearly... and to make matters even worse I do get mad a lot... This doesn't mean that I'm always mad... No!! Just sometimes occasionally!! that's all... that's not too bad right?

Although, lately I have been thinking about the reason as to why do I get mad? What ticks me? What turns the wonderfully awesome ME to horribly awful ME... And I have been keeping a log (mentally) to see if I can get the root cause of this... you know collect data to support my theory :=)... and I have a few conclusions to this.

Reason 1: I'm an Obsessive Control Freak!! I need things my way... sometimes even things that don't necessarily concern me... Why? I don't really understand that behavior yet!! But I do have my own weird ways of doing things... and I think I also have this hidden agenda in my twisted little head... that if its not my way it's the wrong way!! so I get mad when things don't go my way!!

I know I'm probably not the first person in the world to have this weird obsession... but I want to get over this... I want to accept other people's way of doing things... and not force my way of doing things on them... I want to learn to let go of the control and live freely... to accept every challenge that comes along with a smile on my face... to give that challenge a challenge of it's own to worry about...

Reason 2: I'm very Black & White... very Extremist! I either dislike people or love them... I don't have the little grey area in between that allows humans to tolerate people even though you don't love them... this essentially allows us to have that "Formal Hi/Hello relationships... where we can ignore the people that aren't very important to us and we don't ruin our lives over that!!

Well I am very clearly missing that... As I cannot ignore people... or at least without letting them know that I don't like them... And I really need to, no let me rephrase that, "Want" to learn that... I want to learn how can I ignore others with a polite smile on my face... without letting them know that I'm reacting to something that did or said... because in my personal case, it just gives everyone more material to make a fuss!!

Reason 3: I expect a lot from my relationships... and when I say relationships I mean every single relationship... friends, family, everyone!! It's not like I'm the Queen of England or something... No! I just expect people to feel the same way about me as I feel about them... Okay! I know I'm wrong here once again... but I never understood why is it too bad to expect that?? If I try to give every relationship my 100% then the other person can certainly try to do that as well, right?

But I always forget that it's not "My Perfect World"... things don't always go the way I expect them to go... people don't always do what I expect them to do... or say... or feel... I want to be at a place in life where I can say it's okay even if it didn't go as expected... it didn't kill me! I shouldn't let this wipe off the smile on my face... It shouldn't be able to take over my happiness...

If I can learn how to do these things... I think I can make my life much easier on others... make myself much tolerable to live with... If I can change my control freak personality, expect less (or reasonable!!), and learn to find that grey area a bit... then I can probably learn how to live freely... to look forward to any change, surprise and not be intimidated by it... to welcome every challenge with a smile... to be polite to people... (or ignore them but still with a smile on my face)...

Don't know if I can ever be able to do it or not! But it would be really nice to be in control of my emotions and feelings... and not let my anger take control of my life... but rather control my anger and live my life!!