WHY THIS HAPPENS!?!
Confrontations were never my strong point. I am not very good at arguments and the only way I can stick one out is by sticking to my point stubbornly. That seldom helps, especially if the opposition is excessively rational, which is almost always true in my case. Coming back to the point, I still didn't really mind them that much until recently. Of late, I have started going into this 'I don't want to talk about it right now/ever' mode which I had earlier only observed in people. Sometimes, it feels good to shut things out. And I am getting good-ish at it.
Another development is a strange one. I find it difficult to talk about my feelings now, especially if they concern a person. I can write or type it out but I am becoming increasingly inept at expressing myself verbally. (Long ago, someone told me that I was pathetic at displaying any sort of affection. A few years down the line, I was a changed person thanks to the boy.) However, when I do sit and analyse this, I feel it may have something to do with the fact that I had this tendency of going overboard with my affection for people. Most of them were either undeserving or just plainly didn't reciprocate my sentiments let alone understand them. It's best to be low on intensity then, the wise voice from within my head pointed out. I'd rather have a person think that I am not sentimental than have them think that I am overtly so, or worse, that I am faking it. The coterie, of course, generally is in the know as far as what I am feeling is concerned. Yet, even with the best of them I find it difficult to mumble an "I miss you", let alone look them in the eye while doing so. An awkwardness sets in,a feeling that still feels unfamiliar.
Of course, there are times when the sobriety runneth over and my hyper affectionate self kicks in but mostly I seem to have it covered. Honestly, some people are just not worthy of the affection so it's best kept at bay. Also, it's mostly not worth the trouble to get excited over people anymore. It's a...self preservation thing, you see.
Another development is a strange one. I find it difficult to talk about my feelings now, especially if they concern a person. I can write or type it out but I am becoming increasingly inept at expressing myself verbally. (Long ago, someone told me that I was pathetic at displaying any sort of affection. A few years down the line, I was a changed person thanks to the boy.) However, when I do sit and analyse this, I feel it may have something to do with the fact that I had this tendency of going overboard with my affection for people. Most of them were either undeserving or just plainly didn't reciprocate my sentiments let alone understand them. It's best to be low on intensity then, the wise voice from within my head pointed out. I'd rather have a person think that I am not sentimental than have them think that I am overtly so, or worse, that I am faking it. The coterie, of course, generally is in the know as far as what I am feeling is concerned. Yet, even with the best of them I find it difficult to mumble an "I miss you", let alone look them in the eye while doing so. An awkwardness sets in,a feeling that still feels unfamiliar.
Of course, there are times when the sobriety runneth over and my hyper affectionate self kicks in but mostly I seem to have it covered. Honestly, some people are just not worthy of the affection so it's best kept at bay. Also, it's mostly not worth the trouble to get excited over people anymore. It's a...self preservation thing, you see.
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